Vacuum

Source: Getty Images- Google

One day, the bubble of vague dreams burst open, throwing the miniscule entity from the sphere of resistance and dormancy.

Graduation-In a more layeman terms happens.

You floated for three years in the cocoon of comfort and today, all you have got is to face the harsh climate. Whether you have got a sunscreen (plan) or not, doesn’t really matter.

Plethora of advises and cautions strangling your throat, while you are trying to hold onto the rope of belief.

Being 21 is probably the toughest of all your 20s, because you have got to begin and that takes courage and a lot of risk assessment. You know you are going to be responsible for all your decisions. It’s not easy.

Should we follow our happy ancestors and settle for a career where there is the ease of monotonous but secure work life balance or else try our hands into multiple fields and gather the maximum exposure while fiddling away the days of uncertainities.

What matters is the fact that it is our life! Well not exactly, if you were raised through struggles, the idea of uncertainity is not that exciting but then again look at those ideals who went through even worse than your calamities.

Ignorance is bliss. Those who get into the art of usual rote learning and rat race to catch the last seat on the hype express of job market are happy atleast, unlike the person who weighs every pros and cons, analyses every aspect of a requirement before jumping into a race.

I am the latter one, the perennially indecisive scared being.

I am not living for now.

I am existing in a place where no matter exists. In the vacuum!

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Expression

I know

I am incomplete,

when my pages look empty

when my feelings don’t flow into the ink.

I know

I am not me,

when I write this note to remind myself

that penning my emotions blue on the whites of paper is

what I know

that makes

Me,

Complete.

Just Saying.

Have you ever questioned your intelligence?

I have.

Have you ever shied away from an oppurtunity to be the leader of your group despite having one of the most decent cv?

I have.

Have you ever spoken in a broken language and embarressed yourself for lifetime? For example by saying grammatical blunders like CHILDRENS?

I have.

Have you ever cried all night because someone just made fun of your mannerism?

I have.

Have you ever been in a position where you had the best answer in the class but couldn’t say it?

I have.

Have you ever doubted your little decisions, so much so that you stopped trusting your abilities?

I have.

Have you ever skipped your school reunion because you were still awkward to face your bullies?

I have.

Have you ever met a millennial who is scared to drive or cycle or to go to a gym or can’t even make eye contacts with charming personas?

Yes, here I exist as the exception.

Have you ever fumbled so much while explaining your favourite thing/theory, that you almost always chose to be a mere listener?

I have.

Have you ever seen a person with no real passion, but floating in a world of wishful dreams and fantasies?

Then that’s me.

That’s the present me in a nutshell, socially incompetent, anxious, dim, aloof, unwise, indecisive wreck. But the thing is I was never like this before. I was anything but a socially anxious, timid girl.

Now why I am writing this self loathing post is that I am at that point where I want to break free from my demons.Life is a funny tasting wine,which gets funnier as it ages.

Today, I know nobody has got the time to bully a person. I know that our society has matured and is patient with wierdos.

But my demons grip me tightly in the very moment I want to take a jump. Recently, I got an oppurtunity to share my experience in front of my college mates. As soon as I was glad to be in the spotlight, my legs started trembling, my throat went dry and I forgot the key points and said something altogether different. Though I recieved a huge applause but my soul knew I fucked my speech. On my farewell day, I was supposed to give a dance perfomance with my mates but as I entered the stage my body got stiff and all my expression went haywire. I still feel awkward to pose for a picture. I still revise a simple sentence a hundred times before saying them aloud. I am a good conversationalist in a one on one interaction but as I get into a big group my exploding thoughts go silent . I still dream of being many things that I can’t even imagine to do in real life. I know I have just started my life and things might get better. But to think of living with a discomfort of how people are going to judge you for an entire life is scary and nauseating.

I see myself in a very low light, even though I maybe just good enough. As much as you enjoy your friends achieving greater heights, but deep down your self is tormented with guilt of not grabbing the moments to shine that your friends easily plucked. That inferiority complex is painful.

I can’t handle serious situations, I black out and I dont want that to happen.

I want to let my thinking take the front seat.

I want my gut to trust my decisions and my capabilities.

I want to kill my own demons.

I want to break the clouds that I have created on my vision.

And that’s the only journey I want to be in now.

🙂

Ps: I have been struggling with social phobia since the time unknown. The things that are seemingly easy peasy for normal people, are a herculean task for me. These things don’t seem very evident on my face but they exist deep in my head. This post is not any exaggerated post to spread the reality of social anxiety. It’s me, my daily struggle that I don’t talk so often but today it seemed like I had to. Thank you and sorry if you by chance read this self loathing post. 🙂

Remembering the misty December

Months and days will come and go
Years and leap years will pass within a blink
Losing the moments of present
from the windows,
as the wheeler of time
progresses with no pause.
I leave a bit of me for the past
as my voyage leaps through the summer months.

New colours will be painted
brightening the wall of emotions.
But the melancholy of december
will remain constant,
that no calender can change.

For the years can only pass
but never erase the foggy souvenirs of december.

P.S: This poem was born on a gloomy night of December 2017 while I was submerged in the melancholy of “la douleur exquise” . Meanwhile, this low quality picture was taken by me (ofcourse) on a beautiful misty morning of December 2016 while I was on a train journey to discover my inner wanderlust . Now, I am mentioning all these irrelevant snippets because december has always been the “most happening” month in my life and I miss it already.

The Constant Time

Does time ever change?

No, it only moves like it has been doing since the moment it was born into this is mega Universe.

My 13 year old clock still wakes me up at 6 in the morning. After every 365 days, my good old Manorama calender gets a small makeover and comes back to her favourite wall.

It’s not the time, that has made the difference. It’s the men moving along the time, that changed our lives.And the same men maligned the poor TIME for all the anthropological miseries.

Time never abandoned you.
Time never ignored you.
Time never played selfish.
Time never clung to your freedom.
Time never played hide and seek.

Time has been the eternal constant.It’s us who evolved and blamed time for our mutating thoughts!

 

21 random thoughts

I think the worst nightmare for any scribbler is the inability to transform his/her thoughts into words. I go through this disease more often than expected. So here I begin a small series to put my passing thoughts, world news and philosophy into written document.

  1. Every age is a viable diable age!Sridevi, my childhood idol died of drowning in a bathtub last month. That’s how death works, unpredictable and untimely but somehow fair for every species.
  2. Living in denial is never an option when you are 21 and your mother is 55. Parents aren’t going to be young anymore, accept the fact that everyday you spend with them is precious.
  3. The idea of adulting is scary. I look at my 25 year old self from the futuristic binoculars and it is all blurry, vague and lost.
  4. I need to learn how to ride a bicycle without my eternal high functioning anxiety curbing my legs at the pedals.
  5. Gone with the Wind is a really boring novel. I am just 400 pages old and I will tell you that my OCD will never let me sleep until I read the whole 1000 page of Margaret Mitchell.
  6. Scarlet O’hara and her dance of narcissism is beyond my tolerance level.
  7. Social medias like Instagram, Twitter, WordPress are deceptive platforms. High time that you stop hitting on people you have never even met.
  8. Quora is better than any of the other socio- apps.
  9. I haven’t updated my diary in last two months.
  10. LGBTQIA community is no less human than any of the other heteronormative community. They are not like us, infact they are far superior than most of us in terms of empathy, permissiveness and intellect.
  11. Asexuality is a legitimate thing and it is not always linked with the infamous Nerdism promoted by Mr. Sheldon Cooper.
  12. Stranger Things is probably even better than the overhyped Game of Thrones and FRIENDS series, period.
  13. What I studied for last 21 years is not going to hold any good for my future pursuits.
  14. Indian Education sucks.
  15. Sharing your blog on facebook or to your circle of people will yield you no product. The purpose of sharing is to ignite conversations with like minded individuals which most of the time never happens.
  16. My intuitions are always right. Some are friends with you because they can’t live alone, they need a shoulder to lay on and rant their miseries. The best way to test their friendship is to see their response when you are going through a tough phase. It works.
  17. The hottest guys are those who ignore the world and live their entire life to make the ailing society a better place.
  18. If you need inspiration to survive, then take a day off and visit a nearby slum and dwell on their reality for an hour atleast .
  19. University Grant Commission of India is high on weeds.
  20. I need spell checks and dictionary all the time.
  21. Monachopsis is the word to describe my current inner turmoils.