Have you ever questioned your intelligence?
Have you ever shied away from an oppurtunity to be the leader of your group despite having one of the most decent cv?
Have you ever spoken in a broken language and embarressed yourself for lifetime? For example by saying grammatical blunders like CHILDRENS?
Have you ever cried all night because someone just made fun of your mannerism?
Have you ever been in a position where you had the best answer in the class but couldn’t say it?
Have you ever doubted your little decisions, so much so that you stopped trusting your abilities?
Have you ever skipped your school reunion because you were still awkward to face your bullies?
Have you ever met a millennial who is scared to drive or cycle or to go to a gym or can’t even make eye contacts with charming personas?
Yes, here I exist as the exception.
Have you ever fumbled so much while explaining your favourite thing/theory, that you almost always chose to be a mere listener?
Have you ever seen a person with no real passion, but floating in a world of wishful dreams and fantasies?
Then that’s me.
That’s the present me in a nutshell, socially incompetent, anxious, dim, aloof, unwise, indecisive wreck. But the thing is I was never like this before. I was anything but a socially anxious, timid girl.
Now why I am writing this self loathing post is that I am at that point where I want to break free from my demons.Life is a funny tasting wine,which gets funnier as it ages.
Today, I know nobody has got the time to bully a person. I know that our society has matured and is patient with wierdos.
But my demons grip me tightly in the very moment I want to take a jump. Recently, I got an oppurtunity to share my experience in front of my college mates. As soon as I was glad to be in the spotlight, my legs started trembling, my throat went dry and I forgot the key points and said something altogether different. Though I recieved a huge applause but my soul knew I fucked my speech. On my farewell day, I was supposed to give a dance perfomance with my mates but as I entered the stage my body got stiff and all my expression went haywire. I still feel awkward to pose for a picture. I still revise a simple sentence a hundred times before saying them aloud. I am a good conversationalist in a one on one interaction but as I get into a big group my exploding thoughts go silent . I still dream of being many things that I can’t even imagine to do in real life. I know I have just started my life and things might get better. But to think of living with a discomfort of how people are going to judge you for an entire life is scary and nauseating.
I see myself in a very low light, even though I maybe just good enough. As much as you enjoy your friends achieving greater heights, but deep down your self is tormented with guilt of not grabbing the moments to shine that your friends easily plucked. That inferiority complex is painful.
I can’t handle serious situations, I black out and I dont want that to happen.
I want to let my thinking take the front seat.
I want my gut to trust my decisions and my capabilities.
I want to kill my own demons.
I want to break the clouds that I have created on my vision.
And that’s the only journey I want to be in now.
Ps: I have been struggling with social phobia since the time unknown. The things that are seemingly easy peasy for normal people, are a herculean task for me. These things don’t seem very evident on my face but they exist deep in my head. This post is not any exaggerated post to spread the reality of social anxiety. It’s me, my daily struggle that I don’t talk so often but today it seemed like I had to. Thank you and sorry if you by chance read this self loathing post. 🙂