Privileged

Life is asking you a number of questions at the age of 21. You want to set everything on fire and run away to the world of ultimate peace. But wait. You are not a coward. You can not be an escapist!

You have seen the works of the brutal world since the mere age of 12. You tasted the harshness of death, you heard the mockery of the bullies and betrayers. You suffered the chills of depression and anxiety. You have seen most of the realities even before hitting the 30s.

You are not a normal human.The whole universe is preparing you for the future thunderstorm. The universe chose you among the thousands.

You are more than what you think. You are entitled to do something significant to this humanity.

You are not just another brick in the wall. You have got a purpose. Wait for the right time,till then don’t kneel to the tougher times.

You are important to this world. You are privileged!

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Melancholy of a fallen leaf

Pain is unfathomable;
Hope is fading
Life has become the story
of a fallen leaf;
Decaying in the reigns of melancholy!

Words not flowing like in the past;
Hands writhing, with the aches of sadness.
What sadness,they asked?
If she could explain what it felt,
probably her sadness would have never existed!

A leaf with many shades,
lost herself in the struggle
to save all the colours!

Atlast, she slept,
in the silent nurturing of the Earth!

A day in the middle class life!!

An average middle class Indian’s day is filled with 1001 trysts with misery. From being the maze runner who skips the obstacle of potholes every 10 second to crossing a road with a broken red light. J.R.R.Tolkein predicted our life even 80 years before. We the small, lazy Bilbo Baggins are forced to talk to the God of Crisis on a daily basis. Sad life, I say!

Atleast Bilbo had a blessing of an invisible ring, what do we have?? The only time we are invisible to the World, is when we are walking the so called stairway to hell, the Great Indian Roadways!!

You know you are the master of “following traffic rules”, for example look right-left-right and then cross the road patiently, but but but..that’s not how the story turns out! To your dismay, the Lucifer sends his angel in the form of a two wheeler with three heads racing from nowhere or the four wheelers soaked in ethanol to squeeze your soul out!!!

Now, If you think pedestrians bathe in the milk of innocence, then you are totally wrong! You will find atleast 1 impatient human being who has learnt the art of dancing on the signals! Strange talent, I swear.

Anyways the adventure doesn’t end here.
Half of an average Indian’s lifespan is spent in the carriages of metro rail or in the state transport buses!! This adventure specialist’s first morning prayer is not all about the World peace, harmony and well being. Perhaps, most of his prayer is intended towards a miracle that will never happen i.e. a decently empty bus/ metro where he can rest his soul for atleast an hour before it gets churned in daily office/school/college drama!! Sadly, the God isn’t that merciful!

Getting into a bus and grabbing that one last vacant seat among the hundreds of furious ninjas is our first world issue!!The struggle doesn’t stop there.Doing planks for more than 30 second is a less daunting task infront of the overpowering crowd crushing your rib cage and puncturing your nasal cavity with all sorts of humanly odour!!

Keeping all the complaints aside, these adventures are one of the ways my otherwise boring life is lit up!! Whether it’s listening to 60 something uncles talking about the contemporary world issues or the middle aged aunties narrating their own gossip girl episodes.No private cab can provide such high level of entertainment and adventure!! 😉

Thank you💛

Naked

She undressed her masks one by one
Stared deep into the silver shinings
Saw tired eyes and chapped mouth
Pale she looked
With emotions that she couldn’t understand

Even the tears stopped coming
There were so many things that she
couldn’t share
It was not about her irrational
thoughts
But about her present life
A helpless worthless life

She saw her future seemingly fall apart
All she could do was to watch it
She was crippled by her life!

All she wanted was one friend
to sit and listen her insecurities
But she was always a loner both by choice & destiny!!

Atlast she said good bye to her reflection.
Wore her layers of masks again
while breathing the air of pain!!!

Self hate..is it necessary??

Undressed, she stood there
Gazing the reflection of her soul
Naked without a tinge of covering

There were stripes everywhere
Silver grey purple
In all patterns possible
Felt ugly for the first time
In the thirteen years of life
There a girl was born with flaws
Flaws that were uninvited
Scars that didn’t have a story

Those stripes grew with her
Slowly the filth on her skin
became her soul bearer
She scratched & hugged them
In the moments of hate & love
On her off days, screamed to strip her skin off
And in the days of shine, she smothered them for making her unique

There she was, a girl who bore the tiger lines with pride and pain….

                           ~●~●~●~●~●~●~

(This poem defines the struggle that I have endured to accept my soul my body)

Growing up in a world where external beauty is rated so high, a life of an average millenial girl becomes extremely tough. You hear woman crying over a mosquito bite on their face, you helplessly watch people throwing lakhs of money into the hands of cosmetologists for a fairer clearer skin. Open the page 3, you see plus sized kim kardashian topping the beauty charts. There is a so called world, craving for a perfect flawless life. From this arises the scrutinising eyes of body shamers looking out for their next prey. All my teenhood, I have had been fat shammed by some or other person. Always been on the plus side, I knew my life was gonna be in the hell of scrutiny forever. It didn’t matter if my size came from a wide set skeletal structure or the muscles or thr fat, but what roared unanimously loud was that “YOU ARE FAT. YOU NEED TO LOSE WEIGHT. SORRY KID, WE DON’T HAVE SHIRTS FOR YOUR SIZE.” I knew that I wasn’t that overweight to be considered in the obese zone. I was healthy, fit but a little on the plus side compared to my age kids. Well whatever the reason be, I never really gave eye to them. But you know the evils called puberty and growth hormone, I grew and grew . With puberty, came something complementary, STRETCH MARKS. Even before I could fully notice, there was my body covered with purple grey lines. The uninvited guest. No fat shaming has caused me so much distress  as much as the plethora of lame questions from curious uneducated people did to me. For example “don’t you think stretch marks happen to pregnant woman? Or I guess you should wear full sleeves cause you know your arms don’t look nice like that? Or reading up an online bully’s jokes made on his girlfriend who has stretchmarks??So on and so far… 

 I have lived a fair amount of my life looking at the mirror and crying for something that I didn’t ask for. Lucky are those woman who grow yet don’t acquire a hint of stripes but I did. I cannot change that now. Ever body is different, blame it on the collagen, hormones or genetics. Every woman has her insecurities, this is one among my infinite list of insecurities. There was a time where I just wore full sleeves. There were times when I dreamt for a magical potion that could solve all my miseries. There are times where I just take a chill pill and give no fucks about the so called flaws. I still think about how will I be able to explain my flaws to someone whom I would bare my soul someday. Will he be able understand my struggles? Will he just mock my insecurities? Will he accept me the way I am? These thoughts sound mushy to many, but that’s how I am. I think an average girl goes through all these insecurities. There is no shame in admitting it.

I don’t want to advocate for every human, but one thing I know physical flaws in the longer run don’t matter. No one stopped me from getting into one of the prestigious colleges of the country because of my apparent physical flaw. I know my ability to work or to write or to sing or to dance or to dream or to imagine or sympathise with emotions are not hampered by an apparent physical flaw

Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder. I judge people, no denial in that but probably I would judge for your lack of IQ or for your insensitiveness or for your uncalled arrogance. I might rate someone higher on looks but that doesn’t necessarily mean I consider that person better in everything.Looks matter to many, including me but how far can looks take a person ahead. Maybe 20-30% . Thats it. 

You may say that I am saying all this because in this real “perfect world”, I am not perfect.  Then let it be. In this fast moving 20 years of life I have learnt many things, one being I cannot change anyone’s mentality. Once a shallow person always remains a shallow person.!!!

Till then I hope my post makes someone feel good about themselves because I want to tell you “You are not alone”. Lets keep the fight on and spread body positivity. After all ,these flaws and imperfections are solely ours, they make us who we are. Special.😊❤

Happy!

My current status: HAPPY,CONTENT,CALM.😊

 

I am happy, cause why not? Everything in this universe is relative,even happiness. 

After two months of severe anxiety attacks triggered by some really disturbing intrusive thoughts, finally I can take a small breather. No, I am not saying that I am out of those thoughts, but I am learning to accept them. I know they exist and I am not trying to run away from them. It’s a huge step. Two months of vicious travel through the hell and rising back, again and again. Sometimes, I feel like a lonely cripple in dire need of a hand to hold. But again there is only one honest and genuine hand who will help you, that is YOU.So here I am, feeling peaceful after being in a brief period of silence. Intrusive thoughts now seem less of a worry. They come and go, like always, but I have started to face them and give no response.

But what I am trying to say is that Happiness can only be really felt when you go through a period of dissappoinments and traumas. And here my happiness has not come from any sort of materialistic gains or successes. But from the arrival of long lost beauty of mental peace. It is true that happiness is overrated so much that we feel a pressure to be in that state, which leads us to all sorts of problems. I wasn’t running madly to stay happy, but finding small ways to fight off the negatives without any expectation.So, why can’t we just float and wait till the breeze of happiness touch you!

Like once Anne Bradstreet said

  “If we had no winter, the spring would not be so pleasant.” 😄❤

Anxiety

I don’t know where it started
I don’t know What triggered it
I don’t know why it even occured

I just know, I feel scared
I feel like the fear is questioning my identity.
I fear the fear!

Self doubting and disgust seem like my new pals.
Hitting my peace from all directions.
What if these thoughts ate my peace for ever.

This is not the me, I know
I laugh and live without fears.
And I need her back!!

I want things to swing back to normal
I am up for the fight, even if it takes a zillion hours.
I will win, I’ll kick that shit out of my life.